What's that in your pants?
by Flowing Tears
Summary: On hold. Ryuuku and Rem wonder where human babies come from. Sort of Raito/Misa and Rem/Ryuuku. A quick look into the love life, or not, of a Shinigami. M for a reason! Warning chapter 3: Yaoi and Raito bashing.
1. Chapter 1

Title: What's that in your pants?

Summary: Ryuuku and Rem wonder where human babies come from. Raito/Misa Rem/Ryuuku (sort of) A quick look into the love life (or not) of a Shinigami. M for a reason!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I do want to own Ryuuku, he's mah kinda guy. But I own nothing… shit…

Warning: M for a reason. I am going to try and take this as far as I can. There will be inappropriate behaviour and touching. You have been warned.

A/N: I **know** Shinigami have no sex life, and that they can't have babies and stuff like that. But that doesn't mean they can't be curious. If you don't like the idea, don't read this. I am merely trying to entertain, Shinigamies having sex is NOT my thing. I said MY thing what you think and do is up to you, please enjoy reading.

…---Chapter one---…

Dinner, a movie and a night on the couch. One evening, and it would be the perfect action to get Misa out of his hair for some time so he could concentrate on school and the Death Note. They had dinner, they had a movie and now Raito planted himself on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, next to his girl… girlfr… … Misa.

She was beyond talking in third person, and instead concentrated on snuggling closer to the one guy she loved. Grabbing a few pieces of popcorn she fed him one, and kept the rest to herself. He didn't hate her, never hated her. But there was a time he disliked her bad. But as time crawled by his annoyance lessened. And to be honest, why not?

She worshipped the ground he spat on. She was cute and he could trust her. And after giving him her Death Note, and Rem's wrath that came with it, he decided that he some what liked her… to some extend.

"Can Misa have a kiss please?"

And without two certain Shinigami whose names he could not remember right now he gave her what she wanted. Drooping her legs over Raito's she partially sat on his lap. Her boyfriend wrapped his hands around her waist, trying to behave like a gentleman. Slowly closing his eyes, he could have sworn he saw a glint of Ryuuku, but he hoped it wasn't.

The first mistake was when he partially opened his mouth, Misa making a soft moan, seeming to like it. A second later she is lifted from his lap with immense force, big bulging eyes glaring bloody murder when he opens his eyes, just an inch from his face.

"Don't you dare hurt her you bastard!" Rem hissed through clenched jaws. She was ready to kill. On top of that, Ryuuku added;

"My finger points!"

An awkward silence fell. You know, like the one that falls when you are in an elevator with the person you secretly love, and then you fart a very loud fart. And the fart smells… That… is how awkward the silence was. And you can't say "It was you." to the other either, because there were only two of you, and he knows he didn't fart. It was that awkward…

"… Misa was on top how was I supposed to hurt her?" Raito started, still staring at his Shinigami, thankful Ryuuku actually knew what to say. He had, sort of, drawn Rem's wrath to himself for a moment, anger not as present when she glared at the boy again.

"She was moaning!"

"Because she liked it!"

Misa herself went from tomato red to a very unhealthy shade of red, knowing her boyfriend was speaking the truth. She slowly turned to face her Shinigami and smiled at her, calming her a little.

"But…" Meaning this was the moment Rem had to apologise, and Rem did not do such a thing, she sought for a way out, not knowing where to turn. The female Shinigami releases her favourite human, gently placing her on the ground.

"You guys were gonna do it!" Ryuuku points, grinning like mad.

"Do what?" Rem turns to him, their swollen eyes meeting.

"Well… it… t… ttt… yeah…"

"What's it… t…?" Anger shifting towards Ryuuku.

"Well… when humans… and they hate it… but do it anyway… angry sex… banana… … and then…" At this moment Misa had jumped from the couch, leaving Raito with a growing migraine. While Ryuuku 'tries' to explain what he 'knows' of the birds and the bees, Misa is sniffing around in her bag. At this point he had to try.

"When a man and a woman love each other they..." He was interrupted by Misa.

"Misa has an idea!" Dropping on her knees in front of the television and dvd-player. She turned around and smiled. Half crawling half falling towards Raito she plants herself on the couch again with a remote in her hands.

"This should explain everything for Rem and Ryuuku." The moment she presses play Raito felt like writing a couple of names in the Death Note.

"Why did you have that on you?"

"Fan gave it to Misa." She smiles, and grabs some more popcorn.

_A blonde woman wearing short shorts, that's, really short shorts, a red top hiding her big breasts and a pair of sneakers. She is sitting in what seemed to be her living room. Suddenly the doorbell rings and she, with overreacted drama, gets up and opens the door, obvious to who it could be. A man dressed in grey is holding a package, big and brown and there could be anything in it. _

"_Delivery." The man smiled, he was quite handsome._

"_But I did not order anything."_

"_Well, then we should just have sex." Music was switched on, cheesy, slow music, a deep voice overruling it sometimes._

"What the fuck?" Rem turns her scary head to the teens, snorted, and went back to the screen in utter confusion.

"_Do you have another package for me?" The stupid woman smiles and pushes both her hands in the man's pants. _

"_Oh yeah." He smiles back at her as she slowly lowers herself on her knees. The light in the room seems to change to a darker shade, God knows why. With skilful hands the lady unbuttons the pants and draws the man's hard-on out. _

"_This sure is a big package."_

"Hey look! I got one of those!" Ryuuku, having unbuckled his pants commented. He was using his thumbs to keep his pants open.

"What?" Rem uses a long nail to grab the rim of the pants, as she draws them a little closer she has herself a good look-over.

"You do! I didn't know you had one of those."

"I completely forgot I had it."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Raito whispers to himself, making Misa giggle.

"They're curious. Rem told Misa some Shinigami look a lot like humans in many ways."

"And they never took the time to… have a good look-over?"

"Raito-kun is right. Shinigami just don't care enough to look. So this is Rem's first time…" Her breath hitches. "Get your hand out of his pants!!" The girl screeches with a high-pitched voice.

"Rem!" Raito screamed.

"What!?" Rem screamed right back at him, hand still in Ryuuku's pants.

"Your hand is cold." Ryuuku commented his Shinigami friend who withdrew her hand from his pants.

"Oh for God's sake…" The brown haired boy rubbed his temples. He was so lucky the man who came all over the girls face on T.V. had drawn the attention of the Shinigamies again.

…---What ya waitin for? Go to chapter two! **After reviewing**.---…


	2. Chapter 2

Title: What's that in your pants?

Summary: Ryuuku and Rem wonder where human babies come from. Raito/Misa Rem/Ryuuku (sort of) A quick look into the love life (or not) of a Shinigami. M for a reason.

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I do want to own Ryuuku, he's mah kinda guy. But I own nothing… shit…

Warning: M for a reason. I am going to try and take this as far as I can. There will be inappropriate behaviour and touching. You have been warned.

me: Updated that one too. I just love pleasing a fan. And it sounds wrong, but who cares, you read this too.

Jaquiqui: I have the same problem, luckily my parents think I'm crazy anyway.

Crazzi Turdi: Was that a threat? Because if it was… I updated, can't you see it's right here…

Sashocirrione: It was one of my favourites too, but I removed it when I updated chapter one. It just seemed a little too farfetched. I picture Ryuuku as a bid of a tripod, and when you change your pants you _have_ to see something like that hanging around right?

Everyone else: Thanks for reviewing. hadn't expected so many.

A/N: The long awaited chapter two. Please enjoy.

…---Chapter two---…

They had to turn the television down because the woman on it had been screaming so loud. Rem wasn't one for loud noises, and the sounds of a woman screaming even made Ryuuku a little uncomfortable. But at least they were quiet for a while, not commenting on the movie.

But then again, faith is a bitch.

"That has got to hurt…" Rem points and the skin of her face cracks when she frowns too much. Ryuuku agrees with her, nodding his head and throwing his arm over it.

In the movie the woman was still screaming, not the woman from the delivery scene but a new one, apparently she was enjoying the sex a lot. Alright according to Rem she didn't due to screaming bloody murder, but when Raito explained to her that it wasn't really hurting, that she was an actress and thus pretending, she did shut up after mumbling something about having the woman having no talent at all.

"Maybe she's screaming because that guy is pinching her… things." On screen the man pinches her big titties so hard that the round and juicy shape turned into a star like shape. It really did seem to hurt.

"Those are called breasts." Raito added.

"Pffft mister know it all…" Rem snorted, unhappy that she knew so little.

"Hey you're a female right?" The scary female did not seem to appreciate the question, but nodded anyway.

The male Shinigami points at her chest, eyes bulging out more then usual. Rem makes an 'oh' kind of sound and feels herself up, a little confused since all she feels are ribs beneath her bandages. "I'm flat."

"Uh." Ryuuku says after the statement. He ponders for a moment, gaze shifting between Rem's chest and the television, where the woman was still screaming, but her screams were now muted. (Raito had pressed the mute button, getting annoyed by the constant blaring) gaze shifted back to the female Shinigami, and then, ever so slowly Ryuuku's gaze shifted to the other female present in the room.

In fact, all the attention shifted to Misa who became a few shades paler. She wouldn't mind Raito giving her a look of 'I want to feel you up' at all, but this is Ryuuku staring at her with a 'I want to feel you up' stare, and that kind of bothers her. Raito is catching on quickly, now glaring at the bigger male who is ignoring him. Rem catches on last, her gaze now shifting between Misa and Raito.

If Misa doesn't want to be felt up, the big female can live with it, but if Misa won't make a problem out of it, and her boyfriend does protest he is out the window or without a head within a second.

"No! Only Rem gets to touch Misa." Misa slaps the big sneaky hand away. Ryuuku… is not pleased…

"What?! Why?!"

"Cause Rem is a woman like Misa! Ryuuku is a man!"

"Am not!" To that, Raito did a facepalm.

Ryuuku protests with a 'but' but falls silent ever so quickly when Rem glares at him. He turns to his own human, bit bulging eyes begging for support, but his human is being a bitch as usual, not taking his side. His face doesn't change at all, but his sad stare becomes a glare when he hears Rem say something that comes very close too 'very soft', commenting on Misa's booby.

They remain like this, blissful silence. UNTILL!!!…

"What the hell is that!?" Rem spots it first.

"Make it go away!" Ryuuku covers his eyes.

"I'm skipping, I'm skipping!" Misa frantically presses the remote.

"That is called a vagina…" Raito is not amused. Seriously, those things are scary.

After skipping the scene, a new one started. Let's watch shall we?

_A young man is sitting in a dimly lit room. There are candles spread around the room, all lit just like the fire in the fireplace. There are two glasses of wine on the table along with an half empty bottle. The young man turns and smiles as another one enters the room. Compared to the smaller, younger looking male he is big and pretty muscular._

"How come you don't have that?" Ryuuku asks in all honesty, pointing at the buff man and asking Raito the question. He is, unfortunately, ignored.

On the telly, the younger male moans when he is kissed, the bigger man practically smothering him and groping him.

"How are they going to do it?" Rem actually floats round the television as if she will be able to look at it from a different angle. From what she learned so far, a woman has a vag and a man has a dong, and the man would put his hard dong in the woman's vag, which she pretended to like, and they would do sex. But there are no pussies present in this scene, so what the hell?

Ryuuku agreed with her, thinking harder then usual.

"How do two men do it?" Misa, in all of her innocence, wasn't so sure herself. And Raito here believing she was a yaoi fangirl. She sure looked like one. It didn't help that every time they were out on the street Misa would point at very good looking men and ask him what he thought of them. As if she was quietly hinting.

"In the butt!" Before he had a chance to explain, Ryuuku cuts in. He successfully gets Rem's attention.

"Look, look right there is another hole. He can put his dick in that hole."

"Looks tight…" Rem gives an opinion. Of course, the men on the television know how to take care of that. The bigger man is pushing his fingers inside of the younger man and from the looks of it, and the sounds of it, it hurts.

"Why do humans have sex if it hurts so bad?" Ryuuku is getting a little uncomfortable himself, being a man and all, but he's not sure why.

"He seems to enjoy it…"

"Would you enjoy that?"

"No!" Raito's turn to get red. The thought alone… Oh God wait until they get to the penetrating part… or any other parts in this movie. How long was it going to take? What if there were midgets in this movie? Or besteality?

No…oh no… Please God no…

What if the Shinigamies wanted to act things out?


	3. Chapter 3

Title: What's that in your pants?

Summary: Ryuuku and Rem wonder where human babies come from. Raito/Misa Rem/Ryuuku (sort of) A quick look into the love life (or not) of a Shinigami. M for a reason. Warning chapter three, Yaoi, Raito molesting!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I do want to own Ryuuku, he's mah kinda guy. But I own nothing… shit…

Warning: M for a reason. I am going to try and take this as far as I can. There will be inappropriate behaviour and touching. You have been warned.

A/N: I borrowed one line from South Park. I was trying to change it, but the way they described it was so amazing. Can you spot it? Hope you have as much fun reading as I had fun writing.

…---Chapter three---…

"Alright so this…" The scary female points at the television, noting at the two men doing their thing to each other. She motions to the tip of the smaller man's penis, where clear fluid is dripping over the shaft of the smaller man. "…is what men put in women to make babies?"

Misa nods and claps her hands once. Who would have thought teaching her Shinigami could be so exiting? Usually Rem would teach her things, so this was a nice twist of things. "When a man's penis gets hard they put it inside a woman's vagina and then he sneezes milk into her belly, she gets pregnant and the man loses interest in her."

"Really?" Rem moves her head to Ryuuku who remains blissfully unaware of it all. He has been studying the two men on screen, feeling feelings he has felt only a few times before. He was getting extremely uncomfortable watching the television, watching how the dominant man added his third finger inside the smaller male. Why was he getting so nervous watching this? Raito would know why!

The manly Shinigami floats towards his human and notices he looks quite uncomfortable as well. Was he feeling like this because of what was happening on the telly? Misa didn't seem bothered so it must be a guy thing. There is a connection there!

"Then what about two males? Surely a man cannot get a baby, so why do they bother going through all that?" Rem looks over her shoulder towards the screen, the dominant man had removed his fingers and was now trying to suck the smaller man's face off, while the submissive male was begging for something.

"Well… men have something inside of them that is just as sensitive as a woman's clitoris. That's why he likes it." Misa was putting all of her knowledge to the test. She got the idea of how everything worked, but what was the best way to explain it?

"So if I put my finger…" Ryuuku extends his index finger, long, slim and a very sharp nail at the end. He turns to his favourite human. "…you'll like that?"

In his turn Raito goes very pale, this is what he has been afraid of! Two Shinigamies acting things out with each other was one thing, though he was unsure as to how far they could go since he was unsure if Rem had the necessary equipment in her panties (So to speak) But the very thought of Ryuuku trying things out on him!? The gay porn had to die, now!

"Of course I won't like it!" He snaps at the Shinigami when his index finger comes a little too close to him. Ryuuku would never hurt him on purpose, or so he hoped, but the Death God had this thing for making his human happy. And there lay the real dilemma.

"You pretend not to like it, but secretly you like it!" Ryuuku has made the connection, the male on the telly liked the finger inside of him, but was moaning and squirming as if he didn't like it. He didn't know why one would act like that, though it probably was a human thing, but who cares?

Ryuuku is so smart sometimes.

"Say something…" The brunette desperately turns to Rem, who is supposed to have a little more of a brain then Ryuuku.

"You could have a point there." She instead supports the idea her fellow Shinigami has been sprouting. Raito had one last chance to make things right, or he would be utterly molested by them. He was _not_ in the mood for that.

"There are three main types of sex. A woman and a man, two men, or two women. The majority of humans like the first, a woman and a man. These people are called straight. But when two woman love each other, or two men love each other, they are called gay. I… am _not_ gay…" Both scary faces light up, both catching the idea.

"So that's why you won't like ME to put my finger in your ass?" Raito slowly nods, a weight is falling from his shoulders. His Shinigami gets the idea. However, in the corner of his eye he sees something so horrific, something he hadn't anticipated, so vile it terrifies him. Because now, Rem is extending her long index finger, very bony and even sharper then Ryuuku's finger. "So if I…"

"NO!"

"But I am a female!" She defends herself, Ryuuku agrees with her and Misa can't stop giggling. Blessed by the Gods, Raito spots a distraction.

"What's that!?" He points at the television and the heads of both Gods snap towards the screen where the dominant man has a device in his hand. It is shaped like a penis, white with a purple belt and when he switches it on it starts to vibrate. The big man is rubbing a clear fluid over it. Whatever could it be?

"That's called lube, it makes it easier to move." Misa explains.

"Move what?" On the screen the big man puts the white thing inside of the smaller man who begins to shudder, squirm and moan even louder. His breathing becomes heavier and he wraps one of his long legs around the waist of the bigger man. The manly Shinigami has been watching in awe, feeling uncomfortable and somehow, bothered.

"That thing is bigger then a finger. So you will love it when I put something like that inside you right?' Rem is getting more and more determined to try that out on Raito. She can't practise it on Ryuuku because he is too big and if he struggles like the small man on the television struggles she will be unable to hold him down, but the poor human sitting next to Misa however, he would suffice. He could struggle and scream all he wants, she is very strong and can easily hold him down. Now if only Rem knew how to get one of those… white vibrating things…

"How come you're not gay?" Secretly, Ryuuu is a little disappointed that Misa and Rem can put their fingers in Raito, but Ryuuku can't because he is a man. His finger is much bigger then theirs, it was unfair!

"I just don't like men."

"Why not?"

"I just don't"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a guy too."

"So?"

"So I'm not into men!"

"Why not?" This was going nowhere… If it hadn't been for the male on the television having his orgasm, thus successfully drawing Ryuuku's attention back to the screen he doesn't know where this would have gone. The Shinigami would probably prove that he is as worthy to stick his finger inside of him as much as the females

Really, Raito is afraid of having to go to bed alone later tonight.

"Now the small male is finished, but the big male hasn't sneezed into his belly yet." As if the couple heard the Shinigami's comment, the bigger man on the screen removes his boxers and the smaller male starts stroking him, putting the lube on him.

"That thing is big."

"Aha! Mine's bigger!" Ryuuku is viewing the contents of his pants again and compares sizes. There was one little thing that bothered him though… "How come he is hard and I'm not?"

"You aren't turned on by this." Misa gives him a sympathetic look.

"Are you?" Why are they harassing Raito like this? He pleads the gay porn is over soon. It seems to by the looks of it, the smaller male is laying on his stomach and the big man is pounding in to him, both are moaning and breathing heavily, though the smaller male seems to be in a lot of pain as well.

"No… I'm not…"

"I don't believe you…" One of the most dangerous things about Ryuuku was that his facial expression barely changes, meaning it is impossible to capture his mood and intensions. Also, Ryuuku doesn't enjoy being lied to. He can be manipulated, maybe, but Raito has never lied to him, not even now. The Shinigami however, thinks he IS being lied to. And his human is too late to react. Ryuuku being very fast and all.

"No! Get…" He chokes back a mewl of sheer horror when Ryuuku grabs him, holds him on his place and starts rubbing his nether regions, being none to gently about it. He knew the God was strong but this isn't funny, and he really should stop struggling or the Shinigamies will think he is enjoying this attention like the male on the telly, thus giving them ideas. Misa is trying to stop Ryuuku from molesting her boyfriend (Since she wasn't even allowed to do so) and Rem was trying to hold her back from stopping Ryuuku molesting the poor young man. Lucky for everyone, before Raito can react and rise to the sudden attention, (No pun intended) Ryuuku is soon finished groping him.

"I'm sorry I thought you were lying to me…" He mutters and hugs his favourite human, almost breaking him in half. "…'s ok…"

He is still shaking when his Shinigami releases him and moves back and towards the television, hiding his further intensions of molesting his human later. Raito had kicked him against his knee which kind of hurt, he had to capture his human from a different angle if he wanted to prevent being kicked again. Maybe he should try putting his finger in from the angle the big male on the television was holding the smaller male? Raito wouldn't be able to kick him trapped between a big Shinigami and the floor.

Raito himself has finally recovered from the shock, and is now afraid of losing his virginity to a Shinigami. The television has to die! "Alright… this is… enough…"

"Why?" It is not Rem or Ryuuku, but Misa who doesn't get why he would want to stop the movie.

"I just got molested by a Death God!" Misa cocks her head to the side and goes aaaw at his blush. Rem is catching on to the young man's intensions, and she doesn't seem happy with that. She glares "I want to see the rest of the movie."

"Hell no!" Raito swiftly gets up, but Rem is faster.

"Sit." She hisses and pushes him down, hands on his hips to keep him from moving from the couch. She produces her deadliest glare, a promise that if he tries to run she will slam him down on the couch again before he can make it to the door.

"I really…" Rem cuts him off. Unlike Ryuuku, her expression can change drastically.

"Does Rem have to tie you down to this here couch?" Raito shakes his head. He was so going to be raped before the movie was over. This was not how he planned his evening…


End file.
